When I first started listening to the story of the house on Loon Lake I was thinking these kids remind me alot of myself, throwing shit at cars and blowing up jack o lanterns. As I listened on I thought this was going to be some haunted house bullshit story, I don't believe in ghosts for one reason only, there not real! Once the podcast started talking about this abandoned house they broke into it reminded me of something very similar my two boys and me did this summer. As the summer was winding down and someone came up with the idea that we should all go camping before we go off to college. On a Friday night we drove up to lake winnipesaukee where this girl said she found a campground for all 16 of us teenagers. When we drove to the campground they said we had too many people and couldn't stay there. We ended up going to about 3 more till we found one that would let us stay, this was key because it was getting dark at this point and we would have been screwed if we couldn't find a place to stay. About 8 of us were there at this point, once the other half arrived the owner of the campground camp up with some bullshit excuse to make us leave saying there can only be 8 of us or something like that. I was fine with staying at the campsite, but all the girls were saying how we cant split up and it wont be the same blah blah. Eventually we took down our tents and hit the road again looking for somewhere to stay, personally I wanted to just park on the side of the road, go out in the woods, and do some real camping Bear Grill style, but it was dark and no one brought a flashlight. My friend was driving and my other friend was in the back seat with some chick he was with at the time. She said we might be able to stay at her cousins house on newfound lake like 15 minutes down the road, we were real desperate at this point so we agreed to go there. Her aunt said we can stay there, we showed up to this condo on a lake, at this point its me, my 2 best-friends, that girl, and her cousin. We are real bored at this point wanting to do something, anything, because we were ready to rage at a campsite with everyone from high school, the girls cousin tells us about an abandoned house down the road that is really sketchy and scary, I look at my boys and know there down for whatever. We get a flashlight from her aunt, get in the car and drive 2 minutes down the road, bang a left and stop the car. This girl’s cousin tells us we need to park here and walk the rest of the way because the house across the street will call the cops if they see anyone in the house. We walk across the road and get into the yard of the abandoned house, it was real quiet and old both of my friends were being bitches so I had to walk in front but I couldn't use the flashlight incase the house across the street saw it and called the cops. As I walk around the side I am eyeing it out so see if I can see inside, but it’s too dark. Once we got to the back door it was game time I could hear the girls whispering how they didn't want to go in and thought I didn't come here to look around the yard. When I shined my light into the back door I could just see lots of old furniture covered in dust, I opened the door and walked in. No one was talking until the girls cousin said "OMG that door was closed last time I came here, someone must have opened it" that was all that needed to be said. Everyone booked shit out of the house. I left with them, having no interest chilling in there by myself. After listening to the story of the house on Loon Lake it makes me wish I had stuck around to see if I could have found something in the house. Makes me want to go find another abandoned house and see what I can dig up who knows maybe I could make some dough.
Derek,
ReplyDeleteI like your story and the parallels to the podcast are amazing, but you made it your own by introducing it with the campground difficulties. You followed the narrative well.
One thing to note though, you start the piece off with your impressions (or a review) or the podcast. This leads the reader to think you are going to be talking about the podcast. Furthermore, you cover so much ground in so few words, when realistically the interaction with the campground manager or the time in the abandoned house could have been the entire piece. If you had focused on those, you may have provided the reflective and vivid description I was looking for. Remember, in the podcast they described the mere entering and exploring the house in several minutes of audio. Striving to write in present tense may help.
I'll talk about it in class, but paragraphs are essential to organize your piece.
Last thing: remember the lesson on "Show. Don't Tell." You tell me that your friends are "being bitches," but in no way do you SHOW me what they are doing to deserve that designation. Describe their behavior, use dialogue, reflect on what it means to "be bitches". This is show, don't tell. Telling me, in a sense, gives me no picture. If you keep reminding yourself of this strategy, you will not only be able to write more in describing less, your readers will thank you for it.
-F
I liked the story it made a lot of sense to what High School was like to me. I liked how you used swears to show your emotion and to get your point across. The story made me very interested in where you and your friends were going to end up staying. The story made a lot of sense compared to the story of The House On Loon Lake.
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